Return of the (now rather pretty) ugly apple cake

The original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us end up hardly living out of it at all. Instead we live out all the other selves, which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.
~ Frederick Buechner

Right now, my head throbs like a wall has just slammed itself against me 50 times. It hurts. Both literally, and figuratively. I am angry with and thoroughly tired of pretense, pride, and people with a shaky set of principles/values. I want to say to Life, “oh why bother?” and storm off.

But I refrain (barely), because that isn’t a party I want to crash. There are moments like now at which my resolve to remain optimistic and true weakens, but I really want it to stay intact. Somehow.

Maybe I have a naïve sense of optimism, maybe the world says “grow up kid, and start joining in if you want to go somewhere”… but I can’t. I don’t know how. If being real means losing, then I suppose I’ll have to learn how to contend with loss. And I get tired of people with ugly hearts but I keep trying again for some bizarre reason that even I don’t understand. I remember I am far from perfect too. I remember that everyone carries their own pain. I try. I fail. I try to try again.

I find myself journeying sometimes repeatedly to the centre of disaster in a completely mad quest for truth, and from a belief that deep down people are still good before they are bad.

But can I just be honest about how I feel right this moment. I am exhausted. I doubt my own sanity. I wonder if maybe honesty just “doesn’t work” in some places, if people are actually really happier if they can sweep things under the carpet and leave them there to rot. I am tired of feeling empathy. I want to not care. I have temporarily lost the sense of optimism I woke up with today (6.30am, I was making caramel for the cake topping in my kitchen, and I was feeling happier than Maria singing on the hills).

Tomorrow will be better.

Hmm. This post is not conducive to a food blog, you are saying…… and yes of course you are right. I’m sorry. Will you accept cake as an apology?

It’s not my cake, it’s Tessa Kiros’s. And it’s got apples below and caramel on top :-)

Last night, I made the cake bit of Tessa Kiros’s apple cake with toffee topping (made the topping this morning). I was excited whilst making it because I thought it was a new recipe… and I am glad I didn’t realise I had made it before until I looked through my blog archives. If I had, I would have recalled the disaster it was last time and not discovered the recipe for what it’s meant to be (a lovely cake).

Funny, even as I conclude this post I realise that this cake is apt for today. It’s “try again” cake. If it turns out ugly the first time (and it may, if you have a funny oven and no electric beaters), try, try again.

And that’s all folks. I’ve got a very busy day tomorrow, so time to hit the sack. Have a beautiful Saturday filled with hope and perfect caramel!


15 responses to “Return of the (now rather pretty) ugly apple cake

  1. Love this post, Mel. It’s a sentiment which washes over me every so often. I wish it didn’t. People let us down, it’s a given. I’ve probably let other people down, without realising it. This year, I’m going to try and let things go (maybe I just have unrealistic expectations), and just be happy. Fingers crossed.
    On a different note, I love apple cakes, especially those with a crust, and even better, those with toppings. I have one of Tessa Kiros’ cookbooks, and you’ve reminded me to try and cook from it.

  2. Love the post and its honesty hun. I know exactly what you are saying, its kind of like talking to people who just won’t listen and you go to bed at night all disheartened but then there is that little bit of hope that tomorrow is a new day and they may listen to you …. the following evening its de ja vu. Try, try and try again, as WInston Churchill said – Never,never, never give up. Thinking of you while I am in Tga xxx

  3. Great Post. I too wonder if the old saying ignorance is bliss is completely true. Willful blindness has never been my strong point. Thanks for trying this recipe again and sharing.

  4. This looks delish! I’m totally bookmarking this.

  5. I think that maybe being real means losing in the short term… in order to win in the long term. “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and yet lose his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?”

    Anyway, *awesome* and really thought-provoking words up there – both yours and Fred’s. Thanks for that sis; and here’s to trust placed only in what’s worthy of it (and nothing less).

    ~ Brad

    • I like those two lines, Brad. Yes… I think I have much to learn in the way of long term, “worth waiting for” gains especially when the end is so hard to picture/see!

  6. I understand that feeling completely. So frustrating! I get so discouraged but what you say is true, everyone carries their own pain and I just try not to be the person who makes others feel like this. It can be hard to be understanding sometimes, though! Hope whatever it was to make you feel this way has gone away over the last week. x

    • Thanks Mika, your comment is so sweet. I think it’s good to have those crappy moments sometimes because it makes me think again about how I treat others too! I am feeling a bit better this week :-)

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