Still

In the years in which I wrote most of Treehousekitchen I was searching for something – actually, a few things. Mostly, I think I was searching for a constant spark, that would ignite life around me – heck, that would ignite me … body, soul, spirit, as each day merged into the next. I was searching for a recognition, an activity or thing that was universal (meeting the need in me to connect) and yet, distinctly, my own.

And gratefully I say that food was the most wonderful, faithful channel open to me then (perhaps you too experience this in your soul!)

Memory adds distortion and objectivity both. Occasionally I read through my archives and am struck by how magical / ordinary the days were – how much internal struggle there was at times – how much both God and bad times continued to propel me forward through it all. There were times I just cringed reading some old lines, remembering the mood behind those words. Wanting, very much, to hit Delete.

But, perhaps there is no need to be ashamed.

Perhaps it was all – then, as it is now … exactly right.

I’m participating in an excellent career coaching program now (“Your Career Homecoming” led by the gifted and wise Laura Simms) and one thing she keeps reiterating is, “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.” She sent me a postcard with this message a few months ago, and at the time I had thought this:  yes, I was in the right place – on this journey … but what I got from the message was that the entire thing that made this journey worthwhile (or right at all!) was getting to the destination. 

But recently I received a second postcard from her and this time it clicked. The whole process … is right. In every moment, we are in the right place. Ah, what joy comes back when we can truly believe this in our hearts on both the sunniest and greyest of days!

When I look at the mirror now, I see a girl, a woman, still searching for The Spark – except I now understand a little more that the spark is not one final goal, but a series of movements constituting the dance of life. I have lost about 8kg since I penned the last post on this site – and I am happy with how I look and getting happier each time I am able to put together an outfit that I feel proud wearing. I was mostly fine with my appearance back then, but now with the benefit of new experiences and some very hard challenges, I truly marvel at how the body faithfully processes so many morsel of food every day, at how it bounces back from all the things we put it through (like 8 hours of computer work each day, alas!) … I marvel that I am here, writing this post, thinking less of getting this post perfect or of posting about some swell dish … rather, just being here ‘cos it’s fun to be, even if no one else happens to be hanging out here today.

For the inspiration to post here today, I thank a certain culinary student who contacted me through my blog; my friend Paul (ah! He will be sighing); and my loving man Jarred who has held my hands in my recent ‘creative restlessness’ with much grace and kindness.

Well then. Good morning :)

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